Heaven Gained An Angel

Tonight the choirs of angels have gained another sweet voice. Morgan's long-time babysitter, Ellen, passed away this evening around 8:10 PM. As many of you know, Ellen has been battling a reoccurance of cancer that she had fought twice before. This time it proved too hard to beat.


In February Ellen found out that the cancer had spread to her spine. She asked us to find a temporary babysitter while she underwent chemotherapy. The temporary sitter, my Aunt Anita, turned into a permanent replacement in March when Ellen told me with tears in her eyes that she wasn't going to be able to watch Morgan anymore. Ellen had been in and out of the hospital since then, battling the cancer, the side effects of chemo, and multiple kidney and urinary tract infections. I went to see her in the hospital for what was to be my last time on Monday. The cancer had spread to her liver and into more vertebrae in her spine. She had a kidney infection and was in so much pain that she was being kept on a constant morphine drip. There were moments when she recognized who I was, and moments where she didn't know where she was at all.


Her husband, Ron, called this evening with the sad news. He said that yesterday Ellen's heartrate jumped into the 150s (beats per minute) and she had slipped into a coma-like state. She never woke up from that. Her heart battled such a high heart rate for nearly 2 days. Ron said around 8:05 the nurse came in to get a blood pressure reading and couldn't get one. Ron said at that moment her heartrate starting dropping rapidly. It never came back up. Ron's hope was to take her home to be comfortable there, but Ellen's doctor told him yesterday that she was just in too fragile of a state.


When I spoke with Ron tonight he said he was very sad, but so thankful that she's finally free of the pain. She suffered so much all of June and we all knew when she entered the hospital this last time that she was nearing the end of her journey here on Earth. The Lord finally called her home, with open arms, and stripped her of the chains of cancer, the anchors of pain.


I miss her terribly already. On the day I went to her house in April to visit and pick up all of Morgan's stuff, I handed her the following letter. I have struggled to write this post, and believe that my thoughts are still best said in this note.


Ellen, we loved you so much, and we are sad that you have left. But we rejoice in knowing you are pain-free and in the arms of your Creator. I know that is just where you want to be.


Before I post the letter, I ask you all to please pray for Ellen's family, especially her husband Ron, her son Scott, his wife Julie, and Ellen's only granddaughter, Caitlyn, who is 8. I also ask for a few prayers for our family and James' family. Although we are not blood, we are still her family and loved her as fiercely.


Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine; et lux perpetua luceat eis. Requiescant in pace. Amen.
(Eternal rest grant unto Ellen, O Lord; and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.)


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Ellen,

I have never taken the time to truly say “thank you” for all that you have given to our family. I know the past few weeks have been very hard, physically and emotionally, on you. Fear has put a strangle hold in my heart as well. I hate that I am so helpless to do anything to make you better. I so badly want to DO something. I want God to take your pain away. I want your body and our hearts to be healed.

Over the past two and a half years, you have loved Morgan as intensely as we do. You accepted her into your home and treated her as your very own, not just a charge to care for. She is “your girl”. You have endured 20 minute power naps, refusals to eat, and those oh so wonderful stubborn power struggles that only 2 year olds know how to do well. Through it all, you have been there, with open arms and a loving heart. In Morgan’s short life, you have always been there. You have helped her to become the physically and intellectually advanced child that she is. You have taught her compassion, empathy, and love. You are always on her mind. I know because she talks to her dolls about you and will ask me where you are. She sure wasn’t lying when she told you “I miss you much”.

I am thankful that Morgan does not fully grasp what is going on right now. I am also thankful that she will forever have your love, teaching, and memories of the last 2 and a half years to drive her into the future. You taught her so much. And I will make sure she never forgets you.

I decided to put together this album for you on days when you are really missing her. I thought it might help brighten your day a little. The pictures I took the last time we were over will be placed in her “People who love me” photo album. If there ever is a time where you would like some company, please let us know. I do not want the last time we were over to be the last time we see you. Like her grandparents and great-grandparents, she needs to see you and know that you are doing OK, even if it is not on a daily basis like it used to be. And I can always use the company as well.

I know that God chose you to be with Morgan long before this was all set in motion. But I can’t help but believe that my grandmother was there with you, and that through you I was able to see how much she would have loved Morgan. She has been gone for over 17 years, but I see her in you every time I am with you. She loved the song that I enclosed. It is one that I hold very dear to my heart. And I know when the Lord finally comes to take you home He will say “Ellen, my good and faithful servant. Come, follow me, and I will give you rest.”

Thank you for your unconditional love for our daughter. It means more to me than words can ever express. We love you, Ellen. We always will. You are our family. You are a part of us. For that I praise our Lord above.

With unyielding gratitude and love,


Jennifer



~ Be Not Afraid ~

You shall cross the barren desert,but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands,and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters in the sea,
you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Ellen Gatian

May 4, 1943 - June 26, 2009

Welcome to day care! Have some stitches...

As some of you might know from Morgan's website, today was Morgan's first day at public preschool. Up until today Morgan has been blessed with private, in home day care from sweet Ellen, and my wonderful Aunt Anita. I have been very stressed about today....worrying about everything that could potentially go wrong.

This morning didn't start out well...Morgan is off routine of getting up early, she didn't want to get dressed, she didn't want her hair combed, etc. When we finally were ready to go Patrick snapped a great "first day" picture and we were off.

When we got to the day care, Morgan was excited to see the play park. She was a little shy as we went into the center and met the director. But as soon as she peeked around me, she saw a plethra of TOYS and KIDS to play with! Without a backward glance, she was off and playing. I was so thankful that the drop off went well. My plan was to pick her up after lunch at 12:30 and take her home to spend the afternoon with James and Aunt Anita. My though...ease her in so when she has to stay all day on July 6th, she'll be OK.

I got to work and watched her eat breakfast with her class through KidsVision (secure online web streaming of cameras within the building). She seemed to be doing well. She spilled her juice and didn't want breakfast, but she was blending right in with the rest of the kids. Whew, a sigh of relief for me. Off to do actual work I went.

At 11:45 my office phone rang. It was the director of the day care center, Ms. G. She said I had to come pick Morgan up. I had a quick thought if "oh man, she must have had a total breakdown". Turns out, to me at least, it was much worse. I asked what was wrong. Ms. G. said Morgan had tripped outside while playing, split open her chin, and would most likely need stitches. This is what I heard....Tripped. Split. Stitches. Panic sets in. I left my office so fast I don't remember if I locked my computer or locked the door! I drove like a wild woman to the day care center (thank GOD it is about 2 miles away from my office). I ran up the stairs to the building, and arrived in the director's office to see my child COVERED in blood. I walked up to her and asked what happened. Thankfully she had already calmed down and was able to tell me what had happened, exactly as Ms. G. had said.

She had split about a 1 inch long, 3 cm deep wound on the underside of her chin, so when I first looked at her, I couldn't see it. I made a stupid mom move, however, when I asked to see it and instantly made a scared face. That didn't do well for Morgan. But I was able to give her the pacifier I had stuck in my pocket and we left for the hospital. Morgan was upset that she couldn't say goodbye to hear friends. Sometime in between my office and the center I had managed to call the pediatrician and ask where I should take her. They directed me to the Urgent Care center.

The WVU Urgent Care Center was amazing. They saw her almost immediately, much faster than if we had gone to the ER. The nurse and doctor were WONDERFUL with Morgan. In fact, the doctor's own daughter goes to the same day care center and will be in Morgan's class in October! The doctor determined that she would indeed need stitches. But the Lord was with us and the doctor suggested liquid stitches. They were able to numb the area with liquid instead of a shot, and after a quick snip of some lingering skin (I about puked at this point) they put Dermabond on the wound. It's basically a stronger version of liquid Bandaid. We made it through with no needles, no pain, no tears. When she was done, the doctor gave Morgan a popsicle, 3 stickers, and a book! She was such a big girl.

We came home and I put her to bed. It took me a long time to wind down and bring my pulse and blood pressure back to normal. She woke up a little while ago saying her boo boo was hurting a little, but that she wanted to go swimming. I told her she could go but she had to keep her boo boo dry. Unfortunately she'll be unable to go to swim class this weekend since she can't really swim for 2 full days. But I figured splashing around in our little baby pool with James wouldn't hurt her chin and would keep her mind off of it.

Unfortunately I don't have the camera to take a picture of the cut, but when Patrick gets home tomorrow I will try to get a picture. Morgan is very excited to go back to school tomorrow, so I am sure she is no worse for wear. My nerves are a little shot, but eventually Mama will be fine too! :)

Blowing off steam

For some reason this week, it seems that every day has included one major aggrivating event that gets me all riled up. Two events in particular still have steam coming out of my ears. When I become President (haha) the following two things will never happen!

First, gas station/convenience store bathrooms that are "for customers only" should NOT apply to anyone under 10. Tuesday while Morgan and I were heading to my in-laws, she said she had to go to the bathroom. I skidded off the next exit, knowing my window of opportunity to prevent an accident was VERY narrow. About 1 mile down the road I pulled into a gas station, jumped out (and almost forgot the keys to the rental car I was driving), ripped the back door open, got her out, and we ran, very literally, into the store.

A young man, I estimate about 19 or 20 years old, was working the counter. As we raced to the bathroom there is a sign on the door that says "for customer use only". When I grabbed the door knob I hear a voice saying "Ma'am? Ma'am!" I turned around quickly to see the attendant calling to ME. He said "Bathrooms are for customers only". I looked at him like he had lobsters coming out of his ears! Clearly, Morgan and I were in crisis mode. She's standing there looking at me like "Why aren't you opening the door Mama?" while dancing around and saying "Mom the pee is gonna come out NOW!". I yelled back to the clerk, "I'll buy something when we come OUT!" At this point I was almost willing Morgan to pee on the floor, because I would have left it there. I know, that is not a responsible, Christian attitude, but at that very moment I didn't care. And unfortunately, we DIDN'T make it to the potty in time to save the clothes. Thankfully, though, we got most of the bathroom break done in the toilet. When we were done, I had to go back out to the car, change Morgan's clothes, grab my wallet, and go back into the stupid store to purchase a 94 cent drink for Morgan. I could have left once we got out of the store, but frankly my seething brain didn't process that.

Now I ask you, if YOU had been the clerk in that situation, what would you have done? I understand posting the sign so teens who hang out there don't come in and make a mess of the restroom, or that busloads of people don't get off just to get a bathroom break. But honestly folks, is there no room to bend the rules for a little girl who is about to pee her pants? I know my other mom friends will back me up here.
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If you are tired of reading mini-rants, I suggest you stop right here. This next one is just as annoying and will certainly not be pretty!

On Monday, after arriving home and getting the mail, I saw a letter from my prescription drug program amongst the usual assortment of bills and junk mail. I opened the letter to find out that the program has decided that I am taking too many of a certain medication and as of July 1 will allow me to get 34 pills a month rather than the 60 a month I am taking. In essence, halving the dosage that my DOCTOR has prescribed for me. Apparently I missed the memo that these corporate jerks had become my doctor and knew what was best for ME. The letter went on to list many ways that this limitation of medication would BENEFIT me?!?!?!?!? I wish I had it right now so I could share some of their ridiculous assertions about how lowering my dose of medication will make me better.

This medication is for a condition I have had for many, many years. I have been under a doctor's care for this condition for MANY years. This medication is required for me to function on a daily basis and if I was not taking it, it is feasible that I would not be here today. But do you think the drug plan has taken that into account? Do you think they once called my doctor to review their decision before the decree was passed on? All I am hearing here is a big, fat NO. Not only have I been on this medication for a while, but I am well within the normal ranges of the dosage of this medication, making their decision much more perpelxing. Now I get to add one more thing that must be taken care of to my ever growing list.

I am mad, I am frustrated, I am disgusted. This drug plan certainly isn't cheap. They are already charging me the maximum co-pay for this medication that they can. I don't know which way to go or what to do. Well, yes I do, but I don't want to have to go down that road. Although I would never wish an illness on anyone, I wish the people that make these medication decisions could understand the ramifications of their actions. I was never consulted, my doctor was never consulted. They made the all mighty decision that ultimately puts more money in THEIR pockets, and leaves me to either a) suffer on a half dosage, b) try to find an alternate medication that will help as much as this one or c) have my doctor call and complete the literally 20 step process it would take to possibly get my higher dosage approved. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the hassle.

I tried to start today on a good note, and so far there has been one minor annoyance, but nothing big. I am praying for a clear, level head, and a continual good day today.

Summer Time Fun

Tonight after dinner I surprised Morgan with a pool to put up in the back yard. I got it last year after the season for a whopping $3.00, and it was the best money ever spent. I think the pictures do enough to describe what was going on. The best thing about these are the purely authentic smiles of a preschooler enjoying one of her favorite pasttimes. I look forward to capturing many more!

**And yes, I am quite aware that my child is wearing nothing but her panties in the pool. As a friend of mine says "Ain't that a little redneck?'....**

Typing it Old School

This evening I had the house all to myself. I had an evening of potting flowers, light cleaning, and preparing for our yard sale this weekend ahead of me. I was moving along quite nicely, having finished the flowers and finding a few more things in the garage to put in the yard sale. My garage door is broken, so I had to manually open and close it. Having completed outside work, I shut Patrick's side and pulled down on my door to get it shut. It only went down about 1/2 of the way, so I reached up and grabbed the door at a crease and pulled down. Unfortunately, I did NOT pull my fingers out of the door crease before the door closed.

It is impossible to describe the PAIN that shot through my fingers as I tried to grab the door with my other hand and push the door back up. As I yanked my fingers out of the garage door, blood came spurting out of one while another bled slightly. Between the pain and the fear that I sliced off a finger, I nearly passed out. I managed to get back into the house, realizing that I still had all three throbbing finger tips. After a frantic call to Mom (although I knew she was in FL, she was my first thought) and then a call closer to home to my aunt and cousin, the nausea abated and the pain became more tolerable. Thus, the title of this post. I am now having to resort to the old "hunt and peck" method of typing, as I have temporarily lost the use of 3 fingers on my left hand.

It never ceases to amaze me the really dumb things I do to myself! Especially on days when I am all by myself. So now I am spending the rest of the evening NOT doing yard sale stuff, but at least I have the chance to catch up on Harper's Island. :)

Wordless Wednesday--3 years ago today

Missing My Baby

This week Morgan is with her Nannie and Big Pop in central WV. She was so excited about going and is even more excited that Julia will be there today! Last night Patrick and I went to a meet and greet reception for Patrick's job, and we stopped at TCBY for a snack on our way home! While I can get so much more done without my extra 30 pound appendage, I miss her like crazy! I was looking at some pictures of her and thought I'd share a few.

Our weekend in Maryland

Last weekend Morgan and I left Patrick to "bachelorhood" for the weekend and headed east to my brother and sister-in-law's house. While we were only there less tha 48 hours, we did so much FUN stuff!

Helping Cecelia make dinner (can you tell how humid it is by looking at Morgan's hair?!)

Picking strawberries at Butler's Orchard

Proudly showing off her first "prize"

See this big one Mama?

What was close to the final haul.

I love this picture of Aunt See-lah, Morgan, and Big DB

Aunt Cecelia and Morgan made play doh!

This was a HUGE disc swing.


I thought this picture was funny since they are both doing the SAME thing!



The entrance to the castle

The second, smaller play structure (it was still big!)

What a goof!

If you want a slightly more detailed account, check out Morgan's website.

Loving the camera

What a ham!

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Even though baseball has been in full swing since April, I tend to not pay attention to the games until after Memorial Day. Perhaps, for me, that is the official start to baseball season and summer. Last Saturday we went to our first Pirates game of the year. Yes folks, we are Pittsburgh Pirates fans because in Pittsburgh you stand by all of your teams, even those that haven't had a winning record for over 15 years!

Saturday's game was fun. Weather was perfect, stadium was a sellout, and after watching the Pirates beat the Houston Astros, we were treated to some spectacular fireworks and an hour concert from the Zac Brown Band. I had never heard of them before, but really enjoyed their music. They are a rock/country/bluegrass hybrid with most of their songs having a strong fiddle component. They did an outstanding cover of Devil Went Down to Georgia, actually singing it faster than Charlie Daniels does, which I never thought was possible. Apparently they are also up for a Country Music Award for their song "Chicken Fried" which is great (and mentions our troops, which means a lot to me)!

I'm glad it summer. We have lots of things to look forward to and more baseball games to attend!

I couldn't have said it better

This evening before dinner Morgan and I were outside enjoying the nice evening. Morgan was swinging, her most favorite outside activity. We are lucky enough to live near one of the two churchs in our Small Town USA. Tonight we could hear the church bells, which is one of my favorite things about quiet(er) evenings at home. As we were listening and talking, I asked Morgan if she could hear the bells. I told her the bells were playing God's music.

She quietly thought for a moment and said in reply:

"Mom, God makes me happy."

"God makes me happy too baby" I replied.

Amazing, the innocent truths we hear out of the mouths of our babes.

Memories of Memorial Day

Lunch with Great-Grandma June

Sprinkler Fun

Catching "rain"

Julia had a good time (and doesn't this picture make her look MUCH older than 2 1/2?!?!)

Being silly with Mama

Morgan's first balloon animal (a dog on a leash)

Watching the Woodchoppers' Parade

Can't get enough of these big brown eyes!

Finding Great-Grandpa Ralph and Don's names on the Veterans Wall

Those sirens are really LOUD!

Waiting for the Fireman's Parade to start

Helping Daddy mow

This picture needs no explanation

With Julia and Great-Grandpa Don on his 83rd birthday

We had such a wonderful, relaxing Memorial Day weekend. The annual Woodchopping Festival was in full swing in Webster Springs, so we attended some of those activities as well as the Fireman's Parade and Woodchoppers' Parade. Aside from a minor sunburn and about 2 hours of projectile vomit, a great time was had by all!