A Very Sad Day

Today we said goodbye to a huge part of our lives the past two and a half years. Ms. Ellen, Morgan's day care provider, has gotten much sicker and informed us last week that she will not be able to watch the kids anymore due to her deteriorating health. Morgan started going to see Ms. Ellen when she was nine weeks old, on September 5, 2006. She went there for 2 years, 6 months, and 2 days. That short amount of time has amounted to Morgan's entire lifetime, and for me it has felt as if Ellen has always been family. Ellen has survied breast cancer, uterine cancer, metastatic disease (cancer caused from one of her other cancers) in her lungs, and now she is battling metastatic disease once again. Only this time it is in four vertebrae in her spine. Now that the cancer has set in to her bone, it has gotten much more serious, and painful.

Ellen has been undergoing radiation treatments for the past eight days. She has been unable to watch the kids since the first of February. It was very hard for me to hear from her that she cannot watch Morgan anymore. I know it was very hard on her to "give up her kids". She says that's the hardest part. Not the chemo, radiation, intense pain, vomiting, losing of her hair....it's losing her kids that hurts her the most. I can't even type this without crying.

This afternoon Ellen was feeling well enough for a visit from the kids. I picked them up from our house where Anita has been watching them for the past month, and together we made the drive back to Cheat Lake. I couldn't help but feeling a deep sadness as I made the drive there. Not because it would be the last time I would drive there (hopefully) but I knew it was the last time we would "be there". The kids ran in and immediately made themselves right at home. After we were there about 5 minutes, Morgan came running out to the living room. She gave Ellen a huge hug and said "I miss you much". It was so sweet. Ellen immediately began shedding silent tears, and I had to fight hard to hold mine back. Ellen said she missed Morgan much too. We were there about an hour and a half. In that time I could see Ellen's strength fading quickly just trying to interact with the children some. Ellen gathered up Morgan and James' things for me to take home. I tried hard to make it a light-hearted task, but the feeling of heavy sadness was tangible in the room. As I carried things out to the car Ellen said her goodbyes to the kids. Each kid gave her a hug and a kiss. Morgan told Ellen "I love you Ms. Ellen". Ellen had to go to another room so she would not cry in front of the kids. I managed to keep mine in until I was backing out of her driveway.

My heart is heavy tonight. Not simply for my loss. But for Ellen. For all she has gone through and for all that she will continue to go through in this desperate fight against cancer. For the heartache she felt and still feels as she faces reality. For her husband, for her family, and for our family and James' family. This woman has been an angel to my child. She accepted her as one of her own from the very beginning. She has loves Morgan as deeply as we love Morgan. To me she has been a friend, confidant, giver of advice, and a surrogate grandmother, as both of mine are in Heaven. I cannot imagine life without her, and that reality to me has finally hit home. As I backed out of her driveway, I finally had to accept that this was real, happening, and permanent.

If you have a moment, please pray for Ellen. Pray for the kids, as they continue to go through a lot of upheaval in their lives while we try to find a new place for them to go. We hope to keep them together, but that is a slim chance. Pray for all those fighting cancer. And pray for a cure.